I have been a mother for just over 2 weeks now, and what an experience it has been thus far. I'm not sure anyone can ever prepare you for the aftermath of birth, maybe that's why so many people offer a lending hand, wish you good luck or tell you to get plenty of rest. I truly believe they make babies so darn irresistible to melt your heart and get you through the first few weeks. I gaze at Benjamin and I feel so complete. We have bonded in a way I can't explain. When we are "skin to skin" it feels like we are one. My chest gets tight when I go for a shower or take a nap and haven't seen him in mere minutes/hours. He has the most amazing faces already, gets the hiccups at least once a day and he is already showing how stubborn he is.
What the first 2 weeks were like physically and emotionally for mom?
We got home 5 hours after Benjamin was born and both showered and went to bed. I remember going up the stairs 1 step at a time and as slow as a snail. I couldn't stretch my legs very far due to the million stitches it took to put my "cha cha" back together. And I remember the tough time I had bending at the ankles because they were so swollen (swollen = tree trunks) due to the crazy medication interventions. It honestly felt that at any moment my legs would burst through my tight sausage packed skin. Our first night sleep was a pretty good one. Actually (knock on wood) our night sleeps are not half bad... considering.
On day 2 I knew a was brewing up a bowel movement all day from the pressure. I was anxious about it and was praying to the porcelain god's when I sat down it would just fall out. I had been taking the stool softeners the hospital sent me home with and really I hadn't eaten much because my diaphragm was so badly bruised during labour, I really didn't think it could be that bad. Well I was wrong! The medication intervention caused me to be solid as a ROCK! So bad so I found myself sitting is a bath performing a home anima, pulling and poking my stool out a bit at time while I sat in a bath full of floaters. Oh this is a VERY TRUE STORY! I had to do this again a couple hours later and then a third time in the morning. I remember thinking about the phrase that I have heard from new moms time and time again "You lose all dignity with birth". Here I thought they were talking about sitting in the hospital with their legs spread open for all to see, never did I think it could get worse then that. Boy was I WRONG! I was so fearful it would happen again that I started drinking a laxative tea over the next 2 days just to find that when I farted I accidentally shit myself. Oh my word, what more could possibly happen? Thank goodness for the ginormous pads we have to wear, and by the way if you send your husband out to pick up more you might want to tell him they are in the depends aisle not the feminine product aisle. FML
Right from the start of my pregnancy breast feeding was a big priority for me. I told myself if I was going to try really hard at anything it was going to be breast feeding. It is important to me for several reasons; cost, bonding, and all the nutritional benefits for baby. We latched right away from the hospital and while I know my milk had not come in, the colostrum was just as important for him to get, as well the feeding would bring on more milk. I thought we were doing really well, we feed every 3 hours or less and it lasted about an hour. On day 6 we found out Benjamin lost 12.8% of his body weight (apparently anything below 10% is cause for concern) and our mid wife told Tony to go out and get supplement (formula). My heart dropped at that moment, for one I had missed all the signs of dehydration (what kind of a mother misses something as serious as their baby being dehydrated) and two when a mid wife suggest supplement it feels so much more serious. I felt like deja-vue from our labour when she recommended an epidural. So now, not only am I struggling with breast feeding but now we have added a feeding tube for supplementing (which takes 4 hands) as well as pumping for 15 minutes after feeding. It was so much emotionally to deal with especially when Tony and I both aren't getting any sleep and there was no longer any pass off for napping. After a big breakdown of irrational tears we decided the supplement moving forward would be through a bottle. It's so hard to juggle what is best for baby and what is best for parents. Sometimes the decisions are so much harder then anyone on the outside could ever understand. It seems so simple to say just use a bottle, but in my mind I feel like it's just another aspect of motherhood I have failed at. In my mind there is winning and losing, and I feel like I am losing at everything.
We are now well on our way of gaining weight and have even started cutting our supplement intake. We started with over 300 mL a day last week to under 100mL this week. So hopefully in the near future we will be off supplement all together.
Overall, I would say I have good days and bad moments. Although I have yet to be on my own thus far and this coming week will be my big test. I can only believe that I am ready because without my own belief I will certainly fail. I know I am strong and that is what scares me the most. It takes so much to break me and when it happens (and it has happened most recent more times then I'd like to admit) I feel so lost.
Here's to making it more the halfway down my street on my own this week. "I am strong, I am beautiful and I am a mother".
Lots of love
Christy
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