Wow I can't believe we are into week 6. I am still in complete disbelief that I am a "Mother", that 1 day this little guy is going to be walking, talking and eating solid foods. In posts before I mentioned that I have no idea what I am doing and my plan was to make it up as I go along, well that was very easy to say. However, Benjamin does not allow mommy to have the easy way out, he makes me fight for everything. Ben may look just like daddy (with the exception of his chin) but he definitely has so much of my personality (stubborn, funny and cheeky).
One of my biggest struggles has been with Benjamin's weight gain, as the primary vending machine and current caregiver I truly felt like I failed my son. I missed all signs that suggested he wasn't getting enough milk, and my struggle to get more milk is still ongoing. At this point my will to breastfeed has turned into a "winning" situation. I feel like the fate of the world is trying to take away my hopes of breastfeeding that come hell or high water (my competitive nature kicks in) I will prevail "Mother f*&Ker"! Pun intended! Here is a look at our logged weigh in's.
March 14th 2012 : 3590 g / 7 lbs 14 oz - Birth weight
March 20th 2012 : 12.8% below birth weight - Start Supplementing
March 21st 2012 : 3130 g / 6 lbs 14 oz - Hospital
March 22nd 2012 : 3235 g / 7 lbs 2 oz - Hospital
March 23rd 2012 : 3320 g / 7 lbs 5 oz - Hospital
March 25th 2012 : 3458 g / 7 lbs 9 oz - Midwifery Clinic
March 28th 2012 : 3518 g / 7 lbs 12 oz - Midwifery Clinic
April 10th 2012 : 3770 g / 8 lbs 5 oz - Midwifery Clinic
Good weight gain stop supplementing - Fully Breastfeeding
April 20th 2012 : 3870 g / 8 lbs 8 oz - Dr. Office
Dr. concerned with weight gain - Start supplementing
April 23rd 2012 : 4030 g / 8 lbs 14oz - Dr. Office
April 24th 2012 : 4167 g / 9 lbs 3 oz - Midwifery Clinic
April 27th 2012 : Stopped supplementing to prepare for Jack Newman's Breastfeeding Clinic and weight in on April 30th 2012. Jack Newman is very well known as the "Breastfeeding Guru", while i have heard he is very vocal for his opinion on breast is best, I definitely need more support and reassurance then my family doctor. I'm hoping he will make me feel more confident as to how much milk Ben is really getting, and if I truly need to be supplementing. There are deferent opinions about how much you can express through pumping and how much baby can express himself. Right now I am only pumping 1 oz per breast in a 2 hour window.
You can see how confusing all this can make a new mom, especially with a slow weight gain in the start. I feel like I am always stressing over how much he is getting, how long have I been feeding him, what time did I feed him last. Should I let him fall asleep on my breast. It's only been 30 minutes since he ate last, is he just looking to use my nipple as a soother. How many pee's has he had, how many poo's has he had. I should change him before I feed him in case he falls asleep.
There is so much that goes through a new mom's head in addition to the above, like; How long should I co-sleep for? Am I holding him to much, if I don't he won't sleep and then I don't have enough time for my breasts to fill up for his next feeding. How much should he be sleeping/awake. Is he getting fresh air, have I given him his Vitamin D drop. Is he too hot or too cold.
Then I move to things that effect him through me, like: Am I drinking enough water, am I eating the right foods. Did I take my homeopathic pills. Should I nap now or wait till his next sleep.
Honestly, the thoughts never stop. I am always thinking 2 steps ahead, like: When I should shower, pee and brush my teeth. What time I should leave the house based on feeding times. What time I should return home based on feeding times. What shirt should I wear for easy feeding. I'm exhausted just writing about my thoughts, sheeesh
As for our heart melting moments (and there are more of those then of my exhausting thoughts) Ben is a big snuggle muffin. I love singing him to sleep and my heart aches with love staring at him seeping, he is just so beautiful and angelic. I truly want to gobble him up he looks so sweet. When he's awake he has the most stellar eyes, they are big and bold. I am falling in love with all his faces, my favourite right now is his cheeky smile while Tony's is his yawn. I look forward to hearing his first giggle.
Update on getting out and about and as I mentioned during week 2 I made it half way down the street before turning around to "retreat" home. I am well on my way from that. It's amazing what a proper nursing cover and moma aka Nana that forces you out to prove it's not as scary as you think it is. During week 3 moma came to help out, and while she wasn't able to help in the late night feedings, she definitely made a huge impact in my confidence. We started out with a short trip to PETSMART for Tedi's nail clipping and there was a very weak moment right before we left that I almost pulled the "abort" button, however, the trip was a success. I am now out 4 of the 5 days of week and nothing is slowing us down.
Lots of love,
Christy-Lynn and Benjamin
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